Dreaming of Better Days

i shouldn’t procrastinate anymore. i’ve been moving my stuff back into my apartment after we had a break in . its scary to be my by myself to night i wish i had good company but i have no girl friends:(… i wish girls liked me . i would love to have more then 3 female friends. 

i’m pretty melo

So i walked into the bathroom and heard my roommates talking more like whispering , ging leans over and says “shes getting paint everywhere in the house and its annoying me”… well i wouldn’t have if someone had helped me instead of backing out of their promise to help. He’s incapable of telling me things to my face it makes me question weather i can really trust these people . They are suppose to be my best friends but they talk behind my back all the time . i’m getting tired of this. 

Tho mark walked away without saying anything. all i wanted to hear today was his voice. i wanted his hands with his rough way of grabbing ahold of my shoulders slowly comforting me and telling me ” hey pay attention to me ” i swear i didn’t feel alone then.  Its weird i realize now how much he mattered to me  

but i reallize also that i never really mattered to him 

some how that makes me laugh . 

The reallity is you can’t trust anyone

you can’t depend on anyone as much as you’d like to believe they will be there after

they won’t.  

As much as i miss him

he left and broke my heart

As much as i want to trust the people i live with

they let me down all the time.

As much as i want to run away

i’m let this place keep me here

Little things like this simple  back stab makes me want to shut everyone out .  if there was a way to make this entry invisible i would .  

I’ve been thinking … what in world right now can make smile . 

When i think about , nail polish. 

I know it sounds ridiculous but its one may little things i wish i had. Smooth perfection an assortment of colors that all line up for me to choose from , They match all my outfits and lip sticks  that happen to look nice on my plump lips. 

The reality is i only have lipstick and its nude, and two nail polish that chip away only hours after i wear them, the quality is low. The colors are dull and boring . 

Among other little that would make me happy. 

flowers . 

I use to have garden when i was little , i would push my hands into the cold dirt to cool myself down the Honduran heat that plagued our house the hill that some how felt drastically closer to the sun . I could always feel life … there. watching the flowers grow and die and the chicken run far and free the way we humans could never. 

i miss the wrinkled hands of my grand mother the would so easily plant grow her flowers higher then mine. Her hands moved with such decision and truth . How i wished then that my flowers bloom , that my hands were aged and experienced enough to not break the steams or drown soil. i remember the way she looked at me then with such indian hope, majestic and traditional .It was a time before left her to live here with my real parents.  

Now her hands move like mine whimsically , they wither with pain . Her eyes are gone into these caves surrounded by purple tired decay. When she sees me … thats the thing she doesn’t. Partly because half her soul has died ,all those things she wish she had said remain locked way in the coffin with him . Papa. I am no longer his or her little girl .my hair has gold left in it , i’m pale and sickly . To her i am another person at sea. 

i wish dearly i loved the way she did . 

i wish i felt love and loved and cared and wasn’t angry most of all with myself for what and who i have become . i wish i wouldn’t feel shameful for the parts i do like. Because there are some parts of me i adore and hate . I am confident but lack self esteem . 

Cloths and finding my glasses would be great so i can see again .

i want the body and a white face and blue eyes . Because they seem jsut as alive as those flowers in my garden , so colorful and sun kissed . they sway in the wind, not the way weeds do .  

well anyways i needed write and that made me happy .